The More The Merrier

Post corrected and updated

Apple and Bert will be unable to have sex in the guest bedroom at our house anymore, at least until after the Chinese New Year. Forget Apple, even Bert might not be able to solely enjoy the guest bedroom anymore because Ah Chig (Sp.?) is coming to town!

A late night call from my mother-in-law from Canada, and she boldly announced that under Mainland China's new individual visitor scheme, Ah Chig had finally decided to visit Hong Kong for two weeks. Besides, he will need our help in visa extension until Chinese New Year, and therefore his total stay period will be almost one month.

Who or what is Ah Chig?

In Chiu Chow (Teochiu) language, every aged man is called "Ah Chig." I am not sure about the pinyin or spelling, but basically it simply means "uncle."

Since my wife's family is originally from Chiu Chow (two generations ago), this particular "Ah Chig" character is my mother-in-law's distant cousin brother who strangely happens to be only 37 years old! That is almost half the age of my mother-in-law.

Nonetheless, despite the fact that he is younger than my wife is, and much younger to me, we will be forced to call him "Ah Chig" (uncle).

"Treat him well and make him feel at home," commanded my mother-in-law before she said her good-byes and hung up the phone.

Of course we will Noemi!

Bert's eternally jovial expressions turned to a frown when I told him that he had two choices: "Either move back to your own apartment, or share the guest bedroom with Ah Chig."

Despite having a nice apartment provided by his company, since Catherine's arrival and even after her departure, Bert considers our guest bedroom as his own personal room. I think that he likes to live with a family, because even though he is good at cooking, Bert isn't the kind of expatriate who would live on his own, cook for himself, or do his own laundry. Neither is he one of those smart Gwailos who flirt with domestic helpers and get everything done for free in exchange of carnal satisfaction.

For him, our house and our gang of maids, my constant guidance - even though inclusive of pranks for my own pleasure, and the lively atmosphere that naturally results from a big joyful family with kids and pets; is a boon to his existence in Hong Kong. And therefore, it was unlikely he would take the first option of moving back to his own apartment.

"Can't you put him up at her house?" Bert pointed at Mrs. Ng who was also present in the living room. "Besides," Bert continued, "throughout the day Mrs. Ng is usually over here (our house), no one is using her guest bedroom, and she also has a maid."

Actually, this was indeed a brilliant suggestion from Bert. Perhaps the first suggestion from his tricky brains that was really helpful to our family, as apparently, neither my wife nor I am thrilled by Ah Chig's arrival. However, it was an option I could definitely not select.

And therefore, before Mrs. Ng agreed, I immediately dismissed the idea by saying, "do you want me to experience my mother-in-law's wrath?"

Anyway, considering that my wife has to accompany my two younger kids to their extracurricular activities in the morning, it was decided that I would go to the airport and pick up Ah Chig.

But how can I recognize Ah Chig at the airport?  Mother-in-law's description was very helpful - A middle aged Chinese man, 5' 7", medium build, in his late thirties, a bit dark complexion, almost oval faced, and appropriately dressed for winter.

Piece of cake! There could be 400 such Mainland Chinese men at the airport.

My wife offered me a solution to the dilemma - "Ron, carry a placard with you and hold it high at the arrivals gate."

What? With "uncle" written on it in Chinese? Considering that the flight will be coming from Xantau, China, and mostly all passengers will be Chiu Chow Chinese, I expect half the planeload to run towards me. Not to mention that it would probably be the first and most absurd instance of a Gwailo standing with a placard at the airport and waving it at the Mainland Chinese!

And so, we again placed a call to dear mother-in-law. Since my health problems, my mother-in-law - who actually dearly loves me - visits us once every two months; and by now she is very familiar with my wardrobe. Therefore, without any hesitation, she selected a business suit for me, even the necktie, and gave us Ah Chig's phone number in China with a command to call him right away: "Inform him how you will be dressed and where you will wait."

Business suit on Saturday with a necktie. Brilliant! But who am I to argue?

A call to Ah Chig and someone from his home told us that Ah Chig had already gone to sleep. We were also informed that Ah Chig regularly goes to bed at 08:30 p.m. and wakes up at 04:00 a.m., so could we call him at 04:30 a.m. before he goes to the airport?

Of course! Why fucking not? We are a family of owls and so we will devotedly sit by the phone throughout the night for the lord to wake up. Well, even though it is 06:00 a.m. while I compose this post on Saturday morning, I am going to backdate the post to Friday night.

Anyway, my wife and I did sit in the living room until 05:00 a.m. and talked to the lord - Ah Chig. A man with a hoarse voice, even my wife couldn't fully understand his Chiu Chow dialect. In spite of the fact that my wife can speak very good Chiu Chow, while I can only speak simple Chiu Chow (dialect). My wife tried to converse in Mandarin (common language of China), but according to her; Ah Chig's Mandarin is hopeless and mixed with Chiu Chow words.

Are we having fun yet? Not exactly! The real fun will begin when Ah Chig arrives and shares the guest bedroom with Bert. Truly a case of East meets West and neither able to understand each other's language (or customs). Even the kids in our house don't go to sleep before 11!

Considering all the complexities involved with regards to Ah Chig, I will go to the airport quite early. Even Bert has decided to accompany me to the airport, and I have reluctantly decided to take my wife's suggestion and carry a placard with me. We will boldly print Ah Chig and his name (now we have his full name) on a huge placard, and I will add "Welcome Lord" in English at the top.

I told y'all earlier that when you marry a Chinese woman/man, you marry her/his whole family (including distant relatives)!

PS:

I composed the original post in a hurry, and so I wrote, "...this particular 'Ah Chig' character happens to be my mother-in-law's distant cousin brother's son."

My mistake! Actually, Ah Chig is my mother-in-law's distant cousin, and not distant cousin's son. So in fact he IS (my wife's) "Ah Chig" (uncle). However, it is true that all aged men are called "Ah Chig" in Chiu Chow (Teochiu) language. I have corrected the mistake(s) above.

Bert and I had a very tough time picking him (Ah Chig) up and bringing him home. I will write the entire episode later. You might find it hilarious, but Bert and I were damn pissed.

Post updated at 13:45 on Saturday, January 15, 2005.

Cheers!

Comments

[John]

The conflicting sleep schedules of your Ah Chig and Bert ought to be cause for amusement. Especially if your guest room only has one bed. :)

However, I think that a better solution (if Mrs. Ng agrees) is to let Bert stay at her place so at least he is near by and doesn't disturb The Lords sleep.

Anyhow, you can also add school mates to the list of people you get in deal when you marry a Chinese woman as I have found out.

John

P.S. I thought you were the type that wore suits all of the time. ;-)

[Bob]

I don't think Ron wants Bert over at Mrs. Ng's place for any extended period, for rather obvious reasons. One of them might take a fancy to the other one, and that would put a crimp in Ron's fun with Mrs. Ng.

Why does this guy want to visit Ron & family for a month when he can barely understand Ron's wife and can't understand anyone else in the house?

One benefit of not being close to one's family is not having to put up with this kind of bad sitcom plot brought to life.

[Caliboy]

Dude, Bert's got to go. He can shag Apple at his own place. Let her train Bert for a change. Having hosted mainland relatives in the States before, I can assure you a most, uhm, entertaining time....

[HKMacs]

Just don't let Bert get drunk in case he mistakes Ah Chig for Apple - God forbid!

[Ron]

John,

Ah Chig punctually wants Chinese breakfast served at 06:30 a.m. (too early for my maids). He punctually wants his lunch at 12 noon, following which he sleeps for two hours in the afternoon. And finally, he punctually wants his dinner at 07:00 p.m., after which he goes out for a walk, returns and showers, and goes to sleep.

Forget Bert, now almost 24 hours down the road, I want to take him to some distant pacific island and maroon him for good. Yes, he is a pain in the ass!

Bob,

You are very right and observant. When I read your comment, I smiled because you said the exact thing that I worry about.

Yes, I don't want Bert to be at Mrs. Ng's place even for a single night, and remember they had a *deep kiss* which pissed Catherine off for good. Besides, men are possessive and therefore, I would have to eradicate Bert if he...

Should circumstances boil down to such (where Bert needs to sleep at Mrs. Ng's), I would have to assure that Mrs. Ng sleeps over at my place/room.

This guy (Ah Chig) doesn't want to visit our family, he wants to visit Hong Kong! Having distant (and very distant at that) relatives in Hong Kong (us), he doesn't have to pay for his hotel bills, and since he approached my mother-in-law with the proposal (of staying at our place), who commanded us to treat him well, I can't refuse.

But if he really pisses me off, I might put him up in Bert's (now abandoned) teepee out in the garden on pretext of health benefits or what have you.

Caliboy,

The *show* is already extremely entertaining and you are right.

Looks like Bert will have to move back to his own hole. He was more than frustrated today morning.

HKMacs,

Ah Chig is a Bruce Lee kinda guy. If Bert tried to do that, he would end up with broken bones in a hospital.

Cheers everyone, though no cheers for us :-(