Hungry Ghost Festival (714)

Note: Click the links (in all related articles) to get a better grasp of this grand finale of Bert's "past life relatives."

Foolish is a man who looses an opportunity. And not many come by. One of the advantages of living in Hong Kong includes the random usage of Chinese traditions that can be blended with Western ideas at will. And with such ideas and inspirations, I decided to entertain myself with yet another prank on Bert.

"Tonight's the night," I told Bert and Ah Chig after our daily swimming session. The extremely superstitious Ah Chig, who by now can speak simple English, agreed that the 14th day of the 7th month of Chinese lunar calendar was a very significant night for most Chinese. In essence, 714 or the Hungry Ghost Festival is a bit like Halloween. Except that it is supposed to be devoid of fun.

It is supposed to be a serious day and especially night, when most believers stay indoors and avoid the wandering spirits and ghosts who are supposedly allowed to roam freely in "our world." In fact, seventh month of lunar calendar was the main reason why Ah Chig once again extended his visa and decided that he wouldn't return to his hometown during the ghostly month. Staunch believers insist that one should not travel, change residence, or move furniture during this inauspicious month.

"So what are we exactly supposed to do tonight?" Bert asked me with childlike innocence.

"Tonight," I looked at him with the airs of an experienced shaman, "wandering ghosts and spirits are supposed to have a grand party. Sort of. And guess who will visit us?" I asked Bert.

"Who?" he asked while staring at me with frightened curiosity.

I smiled a shamanic smile as I replied, "the wandering spirits of your past life mother and siblings." From that moment on, Bert was very serious. He listened attentively as I explained that as far as the spirits of his past life mother and siblings were concerned, tonight would be the grand feast. Or the last dinner, if you will. "They will be happy and their souls will rest in peace knowing that finally you are engaged with Apple and you are almost stepping into a stable family life."

With Ah Chig's serious expressions and approval of my plans, I had no problems making a monkey out of Bert. Finally, it was decided that Bert would avoid any appointments at night and even Apple would have to stay indoors with her parents for the night. Ah Chig and I would go shopping and stock up on incense, hell money, paper garments, tofu, pork (fatty pork), uncooked Chinese vegetables (Nga Choi), fruits, rice wine and other odd accessories required for burning "offerings" to the ghosts, spirits, and Bert's past life ancestors. "And, not a word of this to my wife, Mrs. Ng, maids, or my kids!" I warned, "After all, we don't want to scare the women and children in our house, right?" Ah Chig and Bert nodded, as they understood the gravity of the situation.

Some religious walkthroughs – Regular readers will remember that my mother-in-law and father-in-law, despite being Chinese, are devoted Catholics. Well, my wife used to be a practicing Catholic until she met me. And I am an atheist, sort of, except that I respect the supreme powers that created everything there is. Enough said.

Anyway the above means that now, in our house, religious ceremonies, rituals, superstitious beliefs, etc., all take a backseat. As in there is no place for it in our house. However, Ah Chig, despite related to my in-laws is not a Catholic but a staunch Buddhist/Taoist or rather a believer of a mixture of both beliefs/religion.

Considering the aforementioned scenario, it was highly unlikely that my wife, Mrs. Ng, or our maids were going to disturb Ah Chig, Bert, or me during our special Hungry Ghost Festival ritual. Besides, when we started performing the actual ritual at night, the women were watching late night TV and the kids had gone to sleep.

The only challenge I could expect was from Ah Chig. However, as Bert and Ah Chig stood in our front garden watching me set up a small makeshift altar with garden chairs and umbrellas over the chairs to protect the altar from the drizzling rain, Ah Chig remarked that he was impressed by my knowledge of Chinese traditions. I had carefully placed the required, including tofu, pork, vegetables, fruits, rice wine, hell money, paper garments, incense, Chinese candlesticks, and all the required accessories neatly on the altar. I had also taken the precaution of using a special vessel used for burning the offerings, and with a foresight, I had placed plastic bags under it so that everything would remain as dry as possible during the "offerings."

After instructing Bert and Ah Chig to assume a serious posture facing south, I started chanting nonsense in Cantonese – "This is for you, please come, enjoy the feast, and please do bless Bert as he is already engaged and is eagerly awaiting your blessings..." My chanting and the so-called prayers continued for about ten minutes during which I mostly recited nonsense or whatever came to my mind!

The setup looked like an annual grand party of Freemasons, or the graduation night at Yale's Skull and Bones. And if anyone was thoroughly impressed by my performance, it was Ah Chig rather than Bert.

As soon as we started burning offerings, as in hell money, paper garments, etc., I took up a small Buddhist drum (actually it is a toy like drum), and started rhythmically beating – tuk, tuk, tuk. Sometimes, even nature wants to join in the fun. And it so happened that after a considerable amount of accessories were burned as offerings, there was a remarkably huge explosion on the altar. BOOM! We heard a loud explosion and we saw blinding flames engulf the offering vessel.

"What was that?" Bert asked with a scared and surprised look. Ah Chig also looked like he was terrified. Well, even I was surprised.

But in less than three seconds, I remembered that I had placed a couple of spare cigarette lighters on the altar under the umbrella. And I had completely forgotten about the lighters when I placed plastic bags and the offering vessel on top of them. I also remembered that I had used my personal cigarette lighter to burn incense, candles, and offerings instead of using the spare cigarette lighters. It was obvious to me that the heat from the (now very hot) offering vessel had exploded the spare cigarette lighters. But I wasn't going to be upfront about the reasons for the explosion right? That would be like ignoring a jackpot coming your way!

An instant idea formed in my mind as I shouted with passionate fervor, "They have acknowledged! And the explosion is their way of blessing you! Bert!" Never in my entire association with Bert, have I seen expressions on his face like I saw when I said the above. His facial expressions registered surprise, fear, anxiety, and excitement all at the same time. "Kneel down Bert!" I barked, "And start praying. Say thank you and show your gratitude." Bert dropped down on his knees and started praying. Even Ah Chig kneeled down and started praying. And to add to the fun, I started chanting whatever came to my mind, in Cantonese.

Ten minutes later, or around 12:20 a.m., I suggested that Bert and Ah Chig bow three times in all eight divine directions. They did as instructed, and I told them that it was about time for them to go indoors. I would perform the final prayers, I told them, following which I would disperse the spirits and ghosts. "It's like a party," I told them, "someone has to see them off. But wait!" I grabbed Bert's arm, "you must bow down thrice while you face south, and you must say 'goodbye' three times to your past life mother and siblings. This is the final goodbye. After tonight, they won't be visiting you in your this life. (Of course not! By next Hungry Ghost festival he will be married and I don't want to disturb Apple or Bert anymore!)"

Bert's last bow was amazingly slow. As he straightened up, he kept waving his hand while he kept whispering, "thank you and goodbye." I could see that the corners of his eyes were wet. The man is sentimental, all right!

As soon as Bert and Ah Chig went indoors, I carefully retrieved the exploded cigarette lighters from under the offering vessel. The plastic casings had melted with huge holes in them and all gas was gone, which is why we saw flames engulfing the vessels. I carefully discarded the exploded lighters into the garden trashcan. But not before I carefully wrapped them in a plastic bag.

I think Bert was a bit sad, but overall he was happy with the proceedings of the entire event and the (implied) results of the events. And I am sure that Ah Chig was more than impressed. Me? I think I was the only one who was devoid of any "fear" and had lots of fun.

Cheers!

Comments

[James]

"The setup looked like an annual grand party of Freemasons, or the graduation night at Yale's Skull and Bones."

MWAHAHAHAHA Your funny and cruel =D

[pitiful]

Spare Apple. Bert doesn't deserve to marry or live.

[Hua]

Haha you never fail to make my day Ron. Keep up the humour! And may Bert and Apple find true happiness.

Hey, how about fixing Ah Chig up with some "kwai po"? That will be fun. =)

[Joyce]

Bert is really a big kid. He takes serious with what you said, and being so innocent. I can't imagine the way he acted and being so sincere in the whole process.

Why don't you suggest him to lock himself in a room for 49 days that he can help to release the spirit of his past mother, and being a good spirit forever. :P It sounds a bit a cruel idea not funny one...anyway, just some funny suggestions...

[Clement Jim]

Ron,

How is your health? Was the link to the current conditions at Palmyra Is. helpful? Going to be departing for there shortly myself.

Regarding the Bert situation - - -wish I could be there to meet this guy in person. I bet together we could have a whole lot of fun with him.

I really like Joyce's idea above.

Brosit!

Jim