See Lai

Bonking In Hong Kong

Like a virgin dying to be laid, Bert is eagerly awaiting his wedding date. "Only a couple of weeks down the road," I told him, "just take it easy."

He smiled and didn't say anything, but the excitement in his eyes and his clenched fists spoke volumes. Ah Chig, on the other hand, had a lot to say. "Every night a different woman should be bonked (don't blame me, but yes, Ah Chig and Bert have started using the term 'bonk') by you before your marriage takes place, so that sadness does not take place after your marriage takes place."

There we go again. "Has taken place," "is taking place," or "will take place." Although, you have to admit that it is much better when he speaks (his) unique English, so that we don't have to speak in the world's most complicated language – The Chiu Chow language.

Anyway, Bert was extremely impressed by Ah Chig's idea. And so, while sipping coffee in the chilly garden, the two of them started asking me how Bert can bonk as many women as he can; before his "marriage takes place."

Shit Happens - A Song

Early evening, and Bert drags Ah Chig and me into the garden. "I just composed my very first song," he says, "and even Apple thinks it's great."

Ah Chig and I look at him in surprise as he pulls out his 3G phone, selects an audio file (probably recorded by Apple and Bert to the accompaniment of some Jazz music), and plays it. The rough and unsophisticated voice of Bert screams out of the speaker of his phone:

Shit happens,
Yes, it happens,
Happens, happens everyday,

(Female chorus* – happens everyday)

But don't you fret my dear,
Now, don't you fret my dear,

(Female chorus* – don't fret my dear)

Just take some toilet paper,
Or a roll of tissue paper,
(Repeat...)

And wipe it; wipe it all away,
Wipe it all away,
Just wipe it all away,

(Female chorus – wipe it all away, wipe it all away... fades)

"How 'bout that?" he asks us.

"Simply unimaginable!" I bark. Ah Chig doesn't look so sure.

"But why sing such songs when your wedding is just around the corner?" I ask Bert.

"No, no, no," he shakes his head vigorously. "I was inspired by Ah Chig's troubles, and therefore this song is dedicated to him," he says.

"Aha!" I nod. Ah Chig, on the other hand doesn't seem impressed and keeps staring at Bert. He is convinced that Apple and Bert are laughing behind his back. Well, I think so too.

Cheers!

* - Apple's voice alongside Bert trying to sing in a soft voice, before switching back to his normal voice after the chorus.

But Can She Lactate?

"But will creation of milk take place?" Ah Chig asked, as the three of us – Ah Chig, Bert, and I – sat in a bar enjoying our men-only pre-Christmas party. Chinese/Russian ballet dancer or not, Ah Chig's English teacher seems to have impressed in his mind that everything in this godforsaken world "has taken place," "is taking place," or "will take place."

Funny English aside, Ah Chig was asking us a serious question – Can a woman lactate after undergoing breast-implant surgeries? And would there be side effects?

BB

"Judge not a woman by her looks, but judge her by her heart." That was my only advice to Ah Chig, last Sunday.

But Ah Chig had a list of requirements – "Huge balls and hips will be necessary for healthy children to be born!" Balls? I started wondering and soon realized he meant boobs. "But fatness should not be present." Right! We can understand that. "Softly speak very necessary, and happiness is goal of life." All right! Brother Ah Chig is looking for a soft-spoken woman who is not bitchy, is harmonious, spreads happiness, and doesn't make life difficult for him. "Future life very important for family and not waste money outgoing and shopping taste."

Girl Needed For Marriage To Take Place

Like a solitary bolt of lightning striking the tallest tower on the ground, Ah Chig appeared in the doorway of our house. But that was last Saturday. A lot has happened since then. In fact, the constant action and excitement since Ah Chig's arrival has been so overwhelming that I could hardly find time to write about it.

Based on Ah Chig's (and Bert's) previous adventures, regular readers will have a mental image of the ever-exciting duo. However, it is time to reevaluate Ah Chig. He is no longer the village boy who couldn't speak English or Cantonese. Well, he still can't speak Cantonese. But English? Since he left and returned, he claims he has been learning English from a Chinese ballet dancer who used to live in Russia. Hmmm... Now that's amazing!

It Begins!

Ah Chig will arrive on Saturday, and he will stay at our house for three months. Holy shit!

Ah Chig is coming for Bert's wedding(s). And regular readers will know that whenever Ah Chig and Bert have been together, my world has turned upside down. Therefore, I will try to enjoy these last two days of mental peace and serenity.

And yes, since Bert's wedding (make that plural) preparations are in full swing, the coming two months will be... Torture? Fun?

I will try to write as much as I can, but right now, I must enjoy every single minute before Ah Chig comes and before I voluntarily admit myself into a mental asylum.

Cheers!

One Wrong Turn!

Bert has provided natural and thorough entertainment to us for almost two years. However, it seems that now even Ah Chig is trying to compete with him. Maybe I should start my own personal Magic Kingdom of Ah Chig and Bert in my garden.

The case I am about to describe, is fairly simple. It could have happened to anyone. However, in Ah Chig's case, one thing led to another and... Shit! Read on...

Hungry Ghost Festival (714)

Note: Click the links (in all related articles) to get a better grasp of this grand finale of Bert's "past life relatives."

Foolish is a man who looses an opportunity. And not many come by. One of the advantages of living in Hong Kong includes the random usage of Chinese traditions that can be blended with Western ideas at will. And with such ideas and inspirations, I decided to entertain myself with yet another prank on Bert.

"Tonight's the night," I told Bert and Ah Chig after our daily swimming session. The extremely superstitious Ah Chig, who by now can speak simple English, agreed that the 14th day of the 7th month of Chinese lunar calendar was a very significant night for most Chinese. In essence, 714 or the Hungry Ghost Festival is a bit like Halloween. Except that it is supposed to be devoid of fun.

It is supposed to be a serious day and especially night, when most believers stay indoors and avoid the wandering spirits and ghosts who are supposedly allowed to roam freely in "our world." In fact, seventh month of lunar calendar was the main reason why Ah Chig once again extended his visa and decided that he wouldn't return to his hometown during the ghostly month. Staunch believers insist that one should not travel, change residence, or move furniture during this inauspicious month.

"So what are we exactly supposed to do tonight?" Bert asked me with childlike innocence.

Bert's Betrothal

After several days of normal behavior, Bert reverted to his abnormal behavior. "You know," he told me with dreamy eyes while we were sitting in the garden; "I think I will be a good husband." I could only nod in agreement. Women, as far as I know, really love Bert-like husbands. Simple, naïve, and childlike, they are more than eager to jump up and execute any whims or commands of their women.

Underwater Sex In Paradise

Note:

1. The events in this post transpired during last weekend.

2. Extremely lengthy post, but read it if you want to learn techniques required for underwater sex.

3. Read more about Ah Chig, Apple, Bert, and other characters in this post by clicking the archives.

How would you feel if you were surrounded by eight beautiful women in two-piece bikinis on a distant (outlying) island? My wife, Mrs. Ng, Apple, Claire, Dennis, Elaine, Sandy, and Sheila looked simply gorgeous on a sandy beach away from the polluted waters of Hong Kong. Hong Kong has countless small islands with natural beaches that can be reached by a decent private yacht or a boat.

Hong Kong women generally avoid two-piece bikinis. But since we had the island all to ourselves, they didn't mind. Otherwise, on public beaches of Hong Kong, you either see women in a one-piece swimsuit, or with a T-shirt on their two-piece bikinis.