See Lai

Definitely Not Good!

5:00am, I wake up to a call from none other but Bert. The idiot never considers time zones, especially since he is far away on his honeymoon tour.

"Ron," the brute says in a childish voice, "I miss you and your family, and I miss your house. I am dying to come back!"

To my horror, it sounds like he is homesick. Definitely not good!

Cheers!

Good Or Bad? You Decide!

Finally, the moment has arrived! Some of you already know that by the end of this week, Bert will be a married man. Yep, his (first) wedding is coming up and I am actually looking at my watch.

This means that everything in my life is upside down. Bert is overly excited. Ah Chig is jealous and anxious at the same time. My family (especially my wife and Mrs. Ng) is having fun. And Bert is asking me more and more stupid questions almost every hour of the day.

Well, it also means that I will be very busy throughout this week, and will be a bit slow in blogging at See Lai. However, I am sure I will upload the models tomorrow. So hurry up with your votes.

Besides, I also want to write about a (true?) ghost story, that I have been delaying since two weeks.

Anyway, the good part of Bert's wedding is the fact that he will be out of my house for good. The bad part? I might go crazy before he actually gets married. And the disheartening part? Ah Chig thinks I will find him a bride, like I did for Bert.

Really! Kill me before I lock myself in a room full of burning charcoal and suffocate to death.

Cheers!

Bonking In Hong Kong

Like a virgin dying to be laid, Bert is eagerly awaiting his wedding date. "Only a couple of weeks down the road," I told him, "just take it easy."

He smiled and didn't say anything, but the excitement in his eyes and his clenched fists spoke volumes. Ah Chig, on the other hand, had a lot to say. "Every night a different woman should be bonked (don't blame me, but yes, Ah Chig and Bert have started using the term 'bonk') by you before your marriage takes place, so that sadness does not take place after your marriage takes place."

There we go again. "Has taken place," "is taking place," or "will take place." Although, you have to admit that it is much better when he speaks (his) unique English, so that we don't have to speak in the world's most complicated language – The Chiu Chow language.

Anyway, Bert was extremely impressed by Ah Chig's idea. And so, while sipping coffee in the chilly garden, the two of them started asking me how Bert can bonk as many women as he can; before his "marriage takes place."

Shit Happens - A Song

Early evening, and Bert drags Ah Chig and me into the garden. "I just composed my very first song," he says, "and even Apple thinks it's great."

Ah Chig and I look at him in surprise as he pulls out his 3G phone, selects an audio file (probably recorded by Apple and Bert to the accompaniment of some Jazz music), and plays it. The rough and unsophisticated voice of Bert screams out of the speaker of his phone:

Shit happens,
Yes, it happens,
Happens, happens everyday,

(Female chorus* – happens everyday)

But don't you fret my dear,
Now, don't you fret my dear,

(Female chorus* – don't fret my dear)

Just take some toilet paper,
Or a roll of tissue paper,
(Repeat...)

And wipe it; wipe it all away,
Wipe it all away,
Just wipe it all away,

(Female chorus – wipe it all away, wipe it all away... fades)

"How 'bout that?" he asks us.

"Simply unimaginable!" I bark. Ah Chig doesn't look so sure.

"But why sing such songs when your wedding is just around the corner?" I ask Bert.

"No, no, no," he shakes his head vigorously. "I was inspired by Ah Chig's troubles, and therefore this song is dedicated to him," he says.

"Aha!" I nod. Ah Chig, on the other hand doesn't seem impressed and keeps staring at Bert. He is convinced that Apple and Bert are laughing behind his back. Well, I think so too.

Cheers!

* - Apple's voice alongside Bert trying to sing in a soft voice, before switching back to his normal voice after the chorus.

Give Me A Break!

Regular readers know that Bert's wedding(s) [really, make that plural, I kid you not!] is (are) just around the corner. And like most couples (including my wife and myself - twenty plus years ago), Bert is deciding on wedding-photographs-packages offered by several business-hungry studios.

Bert is a rich guy, and his wedding-photographs' budget (in my opinion) is quite expensive (how many photographers dare take underwater video surrounded by sharks?). Well, that's wonderful and I would clap endlessly to appreciate his enthusiasm of showering photographic joy on his beloved Apple. But there's a problem...

He wants me to make the final decision and select the photographers who will capture the magnificent moments of his wedding(s). "Why me?" I am asking myself as I write this post.

My logic is simple. Investing a single dollar in your wedding photographs is like flushing your money down the drain. For example, first year after marriage and people are so enthusiastic that they place their wedding photographs in the living room (and out here in Hong Kong, pile albums under the coffee table to terrorize the guests). Second year, the photographs are mysteriously transferred to the master bedroom. And three years down the road, they are under the bed or in an unreachable corner of the closet. God forbid if you end up with a divorce! In that case, the investment in wedding photographs amounts to nothing more than TOTAL LOSS!

Why then should I be bothered about selecting the best studio/photographer(s) for Bert? If he continues with his behavior, he will definitely end up with a divorce. And such presumptions inform me that even a single dollar spent for Bert's wedding photographs is a waste (of dollars). Let me be stoned to death for uttering such truths words.

Cheers!

Girl Needed For Marriage To Take Place

Like a solitary bolt of lightning striking the tallest tower on the ground, Ah Chig appeared in the doorway of our house. But that was last Saturday. A lot has happened since then. In fact, the constant action and excitement since Ah Chig's arrival has been so overwhelming that I could hardly find time to write about it.

Based on Ah Chig's (and Bert's) previous adventures, regular readers will have a mental image of the ever-exciting duo. However, it is time to reevaluate Ah Chig. He is no longer the village boy who couldn't speak English or Cantonese. Well, he still can't speak Cantonese. But English? Since he left and returned, he claims he has been learning English from a Chinese ballet dancer who used to live in Russia. Hmmm... Now that's amazing!

It Begins!

Ah Chig will arrive on Saturday, and he will stay at our house for three months. Holy shit!

Ah Chig is coming for Bert's wedding(s). And regular readers will know that whenever Ah Chig and Bert have been together, my world has turned upside down. Therefore, I will try to enjoy these last two days of mental peace and serenity.

And yes, since Bert's wedding (make that plural) preparations are in full swing, the coming two months will be... Torture? Fun?

I will try to write as much as I can, but right now, I must enjoy every single minute before Ah Chig comes and before I voluntarily admit myself into a mental asylum.

Cheers!

Marriage, It's Just A Game!

How many times can you marry your wife without divorcing her? I guess you could marry her everyday if you like, but wouldn't it be boring? During my wedding, after the initial two hours of early morning excitement, my wife and I were extremely bored. We were getting impatient about the kissing and bonking part, and I was about to tell the relatives and guests to fuck off.

Bert Goes Diving

Warning: This isn't supposed to be funny.

Standing on the edge of the three-meter springboard, Bert looked around. In fact, he was standing and looking around for more than two minutes. But how did he get up there?

Following his swimming lessons, Bert decided that he wanted to learn something even Apple couldn't do – diving! Therefore, I found a private coach who has a reputation for teaching Mainland Chinese divers. Initially, Ah Chig, Bert, and I enrolled in the diving course. Unfortunately, Ah Chig had to return to China and therefore he dropped out. Lately, I wasn’t feeling well and therefore even I cancelled my enrolment. Of course, there were no refunds.

I was in Bali during Bert's first two lessons, but last week, Bert pleaded that he was feeling very lonely (read scared). And therefore, he wanted me to accompany him. There was no reason for him to be "lonely," as even after Ah Chig and I dropped out, two more students joined the private course. Even though we don't know them, all I can say that one of them is a very beautiful twenty-two year old sexy girl.

The Dream House Furniture

As I enter the living room, I see Bert holding a thick book. Sitting next to him, I realize that it is I-KEY-AH's catalogue of what looks like cheap plywood furniture. "I am planning for the future," he tells me as he picks up a bunch of grey papers with blue outlines. Upon closer look, I realize that the papers are supposed to be the outline of his apartment's floor plan.

"This is where Apple will cook," he points at what looks like a kitchen, "and this is where I will eat!" he points at what looks like a dining area.

"And this is where you will bonk Apple!" I resist my urge to point out the master bedroom on the floor plan.

"You know," Bert looks at me with dreamy eyes, "I am very happy. I mean..." he looks at his palms before he continues, "I mean, never in my wildest imagination did I figure that I would have a Chinese wife and I would be married in Hong Kong." Unable to say anything, I smile.

"I am waiting," he shrills excitedly; "I am waiting for the big day to come around." I nod. Ignoring his expectant expressions resembling a dreamy moron, I spice the shit before I dish it over to him.

"Look," I tell him, "only lost gwailos who cannot speak a single word in Cantonese go to I-KEY-AH stores in Hong Kong. Be wise," I tell him, "and source some good interior designers. I would be the last person to decorate my house with something that looks like redesigned piece of shit."

My wisdom is lost on him. "You know?" he looks assuredly at me, "Apple thinks that I-KEY-AH is the right choice." Unable to override the female dominance overpowering him, I simply nod. "And," he continues, "Apple and I are very dedicated in creating our dream house." I smile.

Whether or not Bert benefits from my wisdom or advice is immaterial. He can go ahead and decorate his home with whatever he likes. But what entertains me the most, throughout the conversation, is the fact that after nearly two years, Bert will get out of our house and live in his own apartment (with Apple)!

Paradise, as it seems, is almost within my grasp, even if I had to endure for almost two bloody long years!

Cheers!

Funny But True!

Don’t laugh! Bert called me in the morning and told me that his brand new car gave him mild electric shocks while he was driving to work. I laughed so hard that the phone dropped out of my hands.

What could have gone wrong, especially since modern cars have leather covered steering wheels and controls? I can only imagine that the torrential rain screwed up the electrical systems of his car. Either that or the most possible reason – even his car is fed up with him!

I am still laughing wild. It is remarkable that he was able to control and didn’t crash into another vehicle or a lamppost on the road.

Cheers!

End Of 'Puppy' Love!

A very angry Louisa stood up, slapped Bert, and left the restaurant. I didn't try to stop Louisa, as there was no reason why she should still face Bert. Her 'Puppy' (Bert) had finally admitted to her that he was already engaged with Apple.

It all started when I forced Bert. "You should confess and tell Louisa about your engagement," I told him, "otherwise, if she finds out by herself, as she knows people who work in your office, your proposed marriage will be history." Bert agreed, but like a toddler who insists his guardians accompany him to school, Bert earnestly requested my presence during his confession.

Hungry Ghost Festival (714)

Note: Click the links (in all related articles) to get a better grasp of this grand finale of Bert's "past life relatives."

Foolish is a man who looses an opportunity. And not many come by. One of the advantages of living in Hong Kong includes the random usage of Chinese traditions that can be blended with Western ideas at will. And with such ideas and inspirations, I decided to entertain myself with yet another prank on Bert.

"Tonight's the night," I told Bert and Ah Chig after our daily swimming session. The extremely superstitious Ah Chig, who by now can speak simple English, agreed that the 14th day of the 7th month of Chinese lunar calendar was a very significant night for most Chinese. In essence, 714 or the Hungry Ghost Festival is a bit like Halloween. Except that it is supposed to be devoid of fun.

It is supposed to be a serious day and especially night, when most believers stay indoors and avoid the wandering spirits and ghosts who are supposedly allowed to roam freely in "our world." In fact, seventh month of lunar calendar was the main reason why Ah Chig once again extended his visa and decided that he wouldn't return to his hometown during the ghostly month. Staunch believers insist that one should not travel, change residence, or move furniture during this inauspicious month.

"So what are we exactly supposed to do tonight?" Bert asked me with childlike innocence.

All That Ends Well Is Well!

I haven't been able to post much at See Lai during these past few days. I was very busy with Bert's engagement, and also spent most of my time entertaining Bert's elder brother who came to Hong Kong for Bert's engagement.

Well, Bert was successfully engaged to Apple (on Sunday), and his elder brother went back to the States (yesterday).

There isn't much I can write about Bert's engagement, as it went smoothly and without any incidents or fiascoes. That is telling a lot, as you all know how Bert is.

All I can say is that both parties, as in Apple's family and Bert's family (strangely, now that includes my family as well), were extremely happy and pleased and no one was more pleased than Apple or Bert.

Now we look forward to his wedding. Chinese astrologers will be consulted, upon insistence of Apple's parents, and an auspicious date will be fixed for the upcoming heavenly marriage of this couple (Apple and Bert).

I don't believe in any particular religion, but I do hope that the supreme powers in our universe do bless this couple forever, and I also wish that the blessing includes Bert moving out of our house and going back to his own apartment with Apple.

Now, about Louisa...

Well, I will have to think about it. Models change tomorrow, sorry for not posting much, and thanks a lot for your patience and cooperation.

Cheers!

Bert's Betrothal

After several days of normal behavior, Bert reverted to his abnormal behavior. "You know," he told me with dreamy eyes while we were sitting in the garden; "I think I will be a good husband." I could only nod in agreement. Women, as far as I know, really love Bert-like husbands. Simple, naïve, and childlike, they are more than eager to jump up and execute any whims or commands of their women.

Bert Meets His In-Laws!

It would have been better if we presented Bert the way he is. But the last thing I wanted Apple's parents to notice on the first day they met Bert was WYSIWYG (what you see is what you get). I cancelled the afternoon meetings and came home early. Bert also took half-day off.

I spent two hours educating Bert – Don't clasp your hands between your thighs when you watch TV. Don't keep flashing a stupid smile. Speak only when addressed to, better if you avoid speaking at all. And if you have to speak, don't look at the ceiling for twenty seconds before your each sentence. Don't touch Apple in front of her parents. And avoid doing a Full Monty, if either you or everyone else is drunk. So on and on... The list was endless.

I gave some instructions to Ah Chig as well – Don't suggest that you can teach Kung Fu, and refrain from showing your Kung Fu stance(s). Somehow, the scene and event reminded me of a traditionally arranged Chinese marriage from ancient times.

Crazy Minnie, Stupid Bert!

Note: All links open in new window.

It wouldn't be too difficult to imagine Bert in a Mickey costume, but it would be challenging to imagine sexy Apple in a Minnie costume. But why would they want to dress up like that?

Well, during breakfast, Bert announced that he would host his wedding party in world's first government-sponsored Disneyland (of Hong Kong).

"It was Apple's idea," Bert said while chewing a nectarine, "and even I think it is a great idea."

My wife and I looked at each other, disbelief flowing out of our popping eyes, Mrs. Ng dropped her spoon, my kids started giggling, but only Ah Chig continued eating, as he could not understand what Bert said. "What do you think?" Bert asked me.

Underwater Sex In Paradise

Note:

1. The events in this post transpired during last weekend.

2. Extremely lengthy post, but read it if you want to learn techniques required for underwater sex.

3. Read more about Ah Chig, Apple, Bert, and other characters in this post by clicking the archives.

How would you feel if you were surrounded by eight beautiful women in two-piece bikinis on a distant (outlying) island? My wife, Mrs. Ng, Apple, Claire, Dennis, Elaine, Sandy, and Sheila looked simply gorgeous on a sandy beach away from the polluted waters of Hong Kong. Hong Kong has countless small islands with natural beaches that can be reached by a decent private yacht or a boat.

Hong Kong women generally avoid two-piece bikinis. But since we had the island all to ourselves, they didn't mind. Otherwise, on public beaches of Hong Kong, you either see women in a one-piece swimsuit, or with a T-shirt on their two-piece bikinis.

Bert Goes Swimming

If a woman has a big but shapely ass, she looks sexy. But how about men who have big fat wide ass? They look horrible, to say the least. And they look even more horrible if they are dressed in nothing but swimming trunks. Yes, I am talking about Bert.

DIY

While the family (including Mrs. Ng) was enjoying a DVD movie, Ah Chig and Bert sat in the corner of the living room. They were reading a book. In fact, they were reading the same book spread out on Bert's legs, and they were giggling.

Could they be reading erotic stories? A Who's Who of hookers in Hong Kong? Or a nasty diary belonging to someone? I felt a bit uneasy. But soon I dismissed such thoughts. It was highly improbable that either could read each other's language. Nonetheless, out of curiosity, I walked towards the living room bar. And I slowed my pace as I passed by Ah Chig and Bert. A quick glance at the book, and I saw pictures of a man dressed in underpants, and a bikini-clad woman. They were in an upside-down sprawled position.

It must be a book about the exciting positions of Modern Kama Sutra!

Return Of The Dragon!

Like a tsunami striking without a warning, Ah Chig appeared in our garden at two in the morning. We knew it was Ah Chig even before I ran down the stairs. Because, instead of ringing the doorbell, the genius started shouting and calling our names.

As soon as I opened the front door, I realized why he couldn't ring the doorbell. Our three dogs were surrounding the poor soul.

Farewell Louisa!

One look at Louisa, and I realized why Bert had bonked up. Even a saint would have fallen for Louisa's charm. A refreshingly young woman with jet-black hair and sharp brown eyes, Louisa was full of humor throughout the lunch. "I told Puppy that we must thank Ron," she said. That is when I realized that 'Puppy' was in fact Bert.

Mystery Solved!

While discussing about Bert's love affairs, I warned Bert that he shouldn't rub his dick (penis) on the trees in our garden.

"What dick?" he was shocked. I reminded him about his act of bonking a tree (with his pants on).

"That's silly Ron!" he exclaimed. "I was just trying to retrieve a Frisbee for your kids, as it was stuck in the branches. That is why I was jumping up and down against that tree!"

What can I say? From the angle where I was sitting (in my study), it really looked like he was rubbing his dick up and down, as I couldn't see my kids playing in the far end of the garden.

God moves in a mysterious way, but damn it, so does Bert!

Cheers!

A Tale Of Two Girls

Couple of weeks ago, Bert informed me about his new love affair with Louisa. Like every other normal man, Bert insists that he truly loves both (Apple and Louisa). But he faces a problem. Both Apple and Louisa work in the same company where Bert is a senior manager.

He had a smooth ride for three weeks, but yesterday evening, he bonked up. After spending the afternoon with lovely Louisa, Bert decided to spend the evening with Apple. Unaware that women are gifted with inbuilt sensors and radars, Bert met Apple in a restaurant with Louisa’s (long) hair sticking on his shirt.

Strange!

As I sit in my study, working on the new additions to See Lai, from my study window I see that Bert is rubbing his dick (penis) against a tree (in our garden).

What do you say? I think that guy is really in love!

Cheers!

A Warrior Fighting Assigned Wars!

In the past, I started off with my noble thoughts of educating Bert. Now, I know that I was wrong. Some things must not change, especially Bert! Unlike his ex-girlfriend Catherine, Apple is seriously changing Bert. She is successful in transforming Bert into a sane, matured, and a responsible person. And that doesn't bode too well for writing stories at See Lai (this site).

Realizing that we would soon be running out of any writing material, I decided to reverse the time back to when Bert was a hopeless idiot. "I am worried!" I told Bert, as the family enjoyed an early Saturday morning breakfast in our garden...