 |  |
 |  |
 |  |
 |  |
5:00am, I wake up to a call from none other but Bert. The idiot never considers time zones, especially since he is far away on his honeymoon tour.
"Ron," the brute says in a childish voice, "I miss you and your family, and I miss your house. I am dying to come back!"
To my horror, it sounds like he is homesick. Definitely not good!
Cheers!
Finally, the moment has arrived! Some of you already know that by the end of this week, Bert will be a married man. Yep, his (first) wedding is coming up and I am actually looking at my watch.
This means that everything in my life is upside down. Bert is overly excited. Ah Chig is jealous and anxious at the same time. My family (especially my wife and Mrs. Ng) is having fun. And Bert is asking me more and more stupid questions almost every hour of the day.
Well, it also means that I will be very busy throughout this week, and will be a bit slow in blogging at See Lai. However, I am sure I will upload the models tomorrow. So hurry up with your votes.
Besides, I also want to write about a (true?) ghost story, that I have been delaying since two weeks.
Anyway, the good part of Bert's wedding is the fact that he will be out of my house for good. The bad part? I might go crazy before he actually gets married. And the disheartening part? Ah Chig thinks I will find him a bride, like I did for Bert.
Really! Kill me before I lock myself in a room full of burning charcoal and suffocate to death.
Cheers!
Like a virgin dying to be laid, Bert is eagerly awaiting his wedding date. "Only a couple of weeks down the road," I told him, "just take it easy."
He smiled and didn't say anything, but the excitement in his eyes and his clenched fists spoke volumes. Ah Chig, on the other hand, had a lot to say. "Every night a different woman should be bonked (don't blame me, but yes, Ah Chig and Bert have started using the term 'bonk') by you before your marriage takes place, so that sadness does not take place after your marriage takes place."
There we go again. "Has taken place," "is taking place," or "will take place." Although, you have to admit that it is much better when he speaks (his) unique English, so that we don't have to speak in the world's most complicated language – The Chiu Chow language.
Anyway, Bert was extremely impressed by Ah Chig's idea. And so, while sipping coffee in the chilly garden, the two of them started asking me how Bert can bonk as many women as he can; before his "marriage takes place."
Early evening, and Bert drags Ah Chig and me into the garden. "I just composed my very first song," he says, "and even Apple thinks it's great."
Ah Chig and I look at him in surprise as he pulls out his 3G phone, selects an audio file (probably recorded by Apple and Bert to the accompaniment of some Jazz music), and plays it. The rough and unsophisticated voice of Bert screams out of the speaker of his phone:
Shit happens,
Yes, it happens,
Happens, happens everyday,(Female chorus* – happens everyday)
But don't you fret my dear,
Now, don't you fret my dear,(Female chorus* – don't fret my dear)
Just take some toilet paper,
Or a roll of tissue paper,
(Repeat...)And wipe it; wipe it all away,
Wipe it all away,
Just wipe it all away,(Female chorus – wipe it all away, wipe it all away... fades)
"How 'bout that?" he asks us.
"Simply unimaginable!" I bark. Ah Chig doesn't look so sure.
"But why sing such songs when your wedding is just around the corner?" I ask Bert.
"No, no, no," he shakes his head vigorously. "I was inspired by Ah Chig's troubles, and therefore this song is dedicated to him," he says.
"Aha!" I nod. Ah Chig, on the other hand doesn't seem impressed and keeps staring at Bert. He is convinced that Apple and Bert are laughing behind his back. Well, I think so too.
Cheers!
* - Apple's voice alongside Bert trying to sing in a soft voice, before switching back to his normal voice after the chorus.
Regular readers know that Bert's wedding(s) [really, make that plural, I kid you not!] is (are) just around the corner. And like most couples (including my wife and myself - twenty plus years ago), Bert is deciding on wedding-photographs-packages offered by several business-hungry studios.
Bert is a rich guy, and his wedding-photographs' budget (in my opinion) is quite expensive (how many photographers dare take underwater video surrounded by sharks?). Well, that's wonderful and I would clap endlessly to appreciate his enthusiasm of showering photographic joy on his beloved Apple. But there's a problem...
He wants me to make the final decision and select the photographers who will capture the magnificent moments of his wedding(s). "Why me?" I am asking myself as I write this post.
My logic is simple. Investing a single dollar in your wedding photographs is like flushing your money down the drain. For example, first year after marriage and people are so enthusiastic that they place their wedding photographs in the living room (and out here in Hong Kong, pile albums under the coffee table to terrorize the guests). Second year, the photographs are mysteriously transferred to the master bedroom. And three years down the road, they are under the bed or in an unreachable corner of the closet. God forbid if you end up with a divorce! In that case, the investment in wedding photographs amounts to nothing more than TOTAL LOSS!
Why then should I be bothered about selecting the best studio/photographer(s) for Bert? If he continues with his behavior, he will definitely end up with a divorce. And such presumptions inform me that even a single dollar spent for Bert's wedding photographs is a waste (of dollars). Let me be stoned to death for uttering such truths words.
Cheers!
Like a solitary bolt of lightning striking the tallest tower on the ground, Ah Chig appeared in the doorway of our house. But that was last Saturday. A lot has happened since then. In fact, the constant action and excitement since Ah Chig's arrival has been so overwhelming that I could hardly find time to write about it.
Based on Ah Chig's (and Bert's) previous adventures, regular readers will have a mental image of the ever-exciting duo. However, it is time to reevaluate Ah Chig. He is no longer the village boy who couldn't speak English or Cantonese. Well, he still can't speak Cantonese. But English? Since he left and returned, he claims he has been learning English from a Chinese ballet dancer who used to live in Russia. Hmmm... Now that's amazing!
Ah Chig will arrive on Saturday, and he will stay at our house for three months. Holy shit!
Ah Chig is coming for Bert's wedding(s). And regular readers will know that whenever Ah Chig and Bert have been together, my world has turned upside down. Therefore, I will try to enjoy these last two days of mental peace and serenity.
And yes, since Bert's wedding (make that plural) preparations are in full swing, the coming two months will be... Torture? Fun?
I will try to write as much as I can, but right now, I must enjoy every single minute before Ah Chig comes and before I voluntarily admit myself into a mental asylum.
Cheers!
How many times can you marry your wife without divorcing her? I guess you could marry her everyday if you like, but wouldn't it be boring? During my wedding, after the initial two hours of early morning excitement, my wife and I were extremely bored. We were getting impatient about the kissing and bonking part, and I was about to tell the relatives and guests to fuck off.
Standing on the edge of the three-meter springboard, Bert looked around. In fact, he was standing and looking around for more than two minutes. But how did he get up there?
Following his swimming lessons, Bert decided that he wanted to learn something even Apple couldn't do – diving! Therefore, I found a private coach who has a reputation for teaching Mainland Chinese divers. Initially, Ah Chig, Bert, and I enrolled in the diving course. Unfortunately, Ah Chig had to return to China and therefore he dropped out. Lately, I wasn’t feeling well and therefore even I cancelled my enrolment. Of course, there were no refunds.
I was in Bali during Bert's first two lessons, but last week, Bert pleaded that he was feeling very lonely (read scared). And therefore, he wanted me to accompany him. There was no reason for him to be "lonely," as even after Ah Chig and I dropped out, two more students joined the private course. Even though we don't know them, all I can say that one of them is a very beautiful twenty-two year old sexy girl.
As I enter the living room, I see Bert holding a thick book. Sitting next to him, I realize that it is I-KEY-AH's catalogue of what looks like cheap plywood furniture. "I am planning for the future," he tells me as he picks up a bunch of grey papers with blue outlines. Upon closer look, I realize that the papers are supposed to be the outline of his apartment's floor plan.
"This is where Apple will cook," he points at what looks like a kitchen, "and this is where I will eat!" he points at what looks like a dining area.
"And this is where you will bonk Apple!" I resist my urge to point out the master bedroom on the floor plan.
"You know," Bert looks at me with dreamy eyes, "I am very happy. I mean..." he looks at his palms before he continues, "I mean, never in my wildest imagination did I figure that I would have a Chinese wife and I would be married in Hong Kong." Unable to say anything, I smile.
"I am waiting," he shrills excitedly; "I am waiting for the big day to come around." I nod. Ignoring his expectant expressions resembling a dreamy moron, I spice the shit before I dish it over to him.
"Look," I tell him, "only lost gwailos who cannot speak a single word in Cantonese go to I-KEY-AH stores in Hong Kong. Be wise," I tell him, "and source some good interior designers. I would be the last person to decorate my house with something that looks like redesigned piece of shit."
My wisdom is lost on him. "You know?" he looks assuredly at me, "Apple thinks that I-KEY-AH is the right choice." Unable to override the female dominance overpowering him, I simply nod. "And," he continues, "Apple and I are very dedicated in creating our dream house." I smile.
Whether or not Bert benefits from my wisdom or advice is immaterial. He can go ahead and decorate his home with whatever he likes. But what entertains me the most, throughout the conversation, is the fact that after nearly two years, Bert will get out of our house and live in his own apartment (with Apple)!
Paradise, as it seems, is almost within my grasp, even if I had to endure for almost two bloody long years!
Cheers!
 |  |
Politics, satire, and vulgar commentary! |
Piece of Mind Ramblings of a confused monk! |
visitors since Oct. 2003 |
 |
 |
|
Recent Comments