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Since my return to Hong Kong, I have received some good news, some bad news, and some puzzling news. In reverse order:
Puzzling:
We have found out (and confirmed via reputed kennels and some tests) that Hugo is part wolf. Actually, quite a *huge* part, so to speak. Funnily, Hong Kong Government has given him a dog's license.
Wanker has returned with odd and unusual desires and wishes.
And I have solved most of this (and Nude King's) site's problems. Hopefully, now I will be able to post everyday. Models change on Wednesday, so hurry up with your votes.
Cheers!
I could not update pictures of models or girlies during this week. And I couldn't write any other posts, or stories.
Well, Hugo (as well as my health) has a firm grip on my life (these days). And I am almost on the verge of being hospitalized (again).
Anyway, until I recuperate, you can read some short posts at Nude King. And I expect to update the pictures of Model of the Week by tomorrow.
Sorry for the delay and thank you for your kind support.
Cheers!
Note: All links open in new window.
My wife has a soft spot for dogs. No, that is an understatement. She has an extremely soft spot for dogs. Particularly, the abandoned or abused pet dogs. So when one of her friends told her about how a neighbor (her friend's neighbor) was abusing a dog and how it seemed like they didn't want that dog (anymore), my wife and Mrs. Ng decided to "rescue" that dog.
They (my wife and Mrs. Ng) asked my permission, and I didn't mind, as our house is big enough to accommodate one more dog (we already have three dogs). And I was under the impression that they were talking about a small puppy.
So imagine my surprise, when, on Friday evening, a huge animal ran towards me as I parked the car. Words like "Holy Shit!" immediately came to my mind as I stepped out of the car and saw the beast.
Yes, our "new family member" is a Siberian Husky, and a "special breed among Siberian Huskies." The American Kennel Club refers to Siberian Husky as "a medium-sized working dog." And yes, normally, Siberian Huskies are supposed to be medium-sized. But not this fella. Even in his own pedigree, he is supposed to be the odd one. Like say, the Arnold Schwarzenegger among Siberian Husky dogs who is totally dependent on steroids.
For starters, I noticed that our "new family member" is almost three feet tall. Therefore, automatically disqualified according to American Kennel Club. American Kennel Club's standards insist that a Siberian Husky should not be over 23.5 inches. Else, he is disqualified. While AKC doesn't talk about the length, here is a rough measurement of our new "sad and abused" friend: He is almost 4.5 feet long (excluding tail). And while I was talking about the height (almost three feet tall); I was measuring the fella from ground to his withers. Throw in his long neck, face, and sharp-pointed ears; you are talking about a dog that is 3.5 feet tall, at the least.
We have a big dog - Beethoven, a German Shepherd. But this beast is taller and bigger than Beethoven is. Are we having fun yet?
Of course, our house is big enough to accommodate "the (new) beast" (I prefer to call him that). And I told my wife that perhaps, her friend's neighbor was abusing him or abandoning him because their (the friend's neighbor's) house would be one of those average apartments (800 ~ 1000 sq. ft. you see all over Hong Kong). Throw in the furniture and stuff in such a small apartment; and the beast would hardly have any space to stretch his legs. No wonder they were fed up with him.
In any case, the ugly wound on the beast's back (midway near the spinal cord), was proof enough that his previous owners abused him and wanted to get rid of him. But why would they do that to such a handsome (yes, the beast does look handsome and has peculiar eyes - a unique mark of Siberian Husky - one blue and one brown eye) but abnormally huge dog (even by normal Siberian Husky standards)?
It took me only five minutes to "Google" and find out the reason(s): Obedient Attitude - NOT! (Read the entire page. Definitely disheartening. Even for a big-dog lover like me). And, "So... You Want a Siberian Husky?"
My wife and Mrs. Ng were a bit disheartened after I told them what we were looking at (the new beast). But the soft spot in their hearts did not melt, and they kept telling me how I, the best trainer of dogs in the world (yes, I have trained many dogs and I too love dogs), would be able to overcome all the hurdles and train the beast. Wishful thinking? Yes! But it's a challenge to my credibility as well.
"What should we call him?" my wife asked. The previous owners called him 'Dai Kau' (which, in Cantonese, means 'big dog'. And aptly so). I thought for a while and said, "Hugo!" Everyone, including my wife, kids, Mrs. Ng, and the maids liked that name. So well, now he is Hugo.
Anyway, the main reason I wrote this post is mostly related to the fact that I might not be able to update (though I will update the models) See Lai and Nude King often (for a week or so). As whatever free time I have, will be occupied in training Hugo.
In fact, during the last two days, I have spent all my time with Hugo. And he is young, energetic, strong, and full of stamina. Whereas I am old, tired, and lazy. So we aren't like-minded buddies, but I have managed to teach him three commands in two days - "Sit," "Stay," and "Shut Up!" Yes, Siberian Huskies believe they are gifted singers, and they constantly make some noise (Read the "Noise" part in the second link [above]: 'Obedient Attitude - NOT').
Somehow, Hugo has realized that I don't think he is Luciano Pavarotti (who, I believe, is equally irritating and noisy). And for now, Hugo is willing to let-go his temptation of entertaining me. More later, when I have some time.
Note: Sorry about the poor quality of pictures. Hugo doesn't like to sit (or stand) still, not even for one second. Yes, I am tired! I really don't know who is more "sad and abused." Hugo or me?
Cheers!
Sneezing, coughing, and sick, I surf the Internet. Nothing holds my interest for more than three seconds. For I am sick. And Count Chan, my terrorizing specialist surgeon, has given me twenty more pills a day (adds up to 84) so that I don't suffer rejection (of my last year's transplant).
If I am to believe Wan Ker-sin, this is the result of my past actions. Yes, I must have pissed off a lot of people in my past life. And the result is terrible. I wouldn't wish this on an enemy. Let those who cursed me in past life go to hell! There! Now I feel better.
Anyway, will post girlies tomorrow. Or perhaps upload models. How many days have we been doing the current models' round? Can anyone tell me? My brains are clouded with phlegm.
Nonetheless, I will still say...
Cheers!
Update March 03: Further to avid reader Mayer's email directing me to a Kosher restaurant on Hong Kong side, I had some real Jewish chicken soup. And is it a great remedy or what? Of course it is! I feel fine already. Thanks for all the emails.
Note: The events in this post took place more than a month ago, and at that time, Bert was not married. All pictures in this post via my 3G phone-camera. Pictures of the nearby huts were taken before I went into the communal house. Remaining pictures were too dark and even Photoshop couldn't help.
A trip to the New Territories, where my mother-in-law wanted to visit some of her distant relatives, Ah Chig, Bert, Apple, and Mrs. Ng decided they wanted to explore the remote corner of Hong Kong. So, the seven (not a lucky number in Chinese superstition) of us (including mo-in-law, my wife, and yours truly), decided to go in two separate cars.
As soon as we reached there, and after I saw the old excited ladies hugging mo-in-law as if she were a long lost World War II survivor, I suggested Ah Chig, Bert, and I drive around the New Territories and visit some exciting places. Without much ado, we left the ladies in a Yuen Long village and promised to return within 3 or 4 hours.
That is when my monkey brains started kicking in action. I had heard of a place near Tin Shui Wai (20 minutes drive from Yuen Long) West Rail Station, and some weird stories attached to it. I don't know much about that place, but I think Dave and Stefan would know a bit more.
In short, the place - especially a huge communal village house, surrounded by couple of small huts - was occupied by the Japanese during World War II. And the Japanese mercilessly killed and chopped hundreds of people (in that communal house and at the foot of a nearby hill).
It is said that ghosts wander or hang around that place even in broad daylight. And anyone who spends more than an hour inside that dreaded communal house; loses it for good (as in crazy forever) after 24 hours. I am still sitting here more than 40 days after I spent almost 3 hours in that place. Have I lost it? Well, my wife would say I never had it in the first place, so there. But read on, it gets more weird and strange...
If you are an expat and single (or whatever), and want to enjoy with women in Hong Kong, read this guy’s diary. He provides vital clues that will save you time and money.
Cheers!
Like a virgin dying to be laid, Bert is eagerly awaiting his wedding date. "Only a couple of weeks down the road," I told him, "just take it easy."
He smiled and didn't say anything, but the excitement in his eyes and his clenched fists spoke volumes. Ah Chig, on the other hand, had a lot to say. "Every night a different woman should be bonked (don't blame me, but yes, Ah Chig and Bert have started using the term 'bonk') by you before your marriage takes place, so that sadness does not take place after your marriage takes place."
There we go again. "Has taken place," "is taking place," or "will take place." Although, you have to admit that it is much better when he speaks (his) unique English, so that we don't have to speak in the world's most complicated language – The Chiu Chow language.
Anyway, Bert was extremely impressed by Ah Chig's idea. And so, while sipping coffee in the chilly garden, the two of them started asking me how Bert can bonk as many women as he can; before his "marriage takes place."
UPDATE (January 1, 2006 - Click only if you are 21 years old or above):
What happened after I flooded Audrey's inside!
END UPDATE.
Well, what could be better than Nude King's sexy and unusual New Year's countdown?
Note: In case you aren't aware, Nude King on the Blog is See Lai's sister site, and also written by me.
Cheers!
"But will creation of milk take place?" Ah Chig asked, as the three of us – Ah Chig, Bert, and I – sat in a bar enjoying our men-only pre-Christmas party. Chinese/Russian ballet dancer or not, Ah Chig's English teacher seems to have impressed in his mind that everything in this godforsaken world "has taken place," "is taking place," or "will take place."
Funny English aside, Ah Chig was asking us a serious question – Can a woman lactate after undergoing breast-implant surgeries? And would there be side effects?
Have fun and enjoy folks! And thanks for reading See Lai. Will make it better next year!
Cheers!
Credits: I received this card from a kind friend and asked his permission to post it here. However, he doesn't want to be credited. Nonetheless, I think you will agree that he has a vivid imagination. Brilliant!
"Judge not a woman by her looks, but judge her by her heart." That was my only advice to Ah Chig, last Sunday.
But Ah Chig had a list of requirements – "Huge balls and hips will be necessary for healthy children to be born!" Balls? I started wondering and soon realized he meant boobs. "But fatness should not be present." Right! We can understand that. "Softly speak very necessary, and happiness is goal of life." All right! Brother Ah Chig is looking for a soft-spoken woman who is not bitchy, is harmonious, spreads happiness, and doesn't make life difficult for him. "Future life very important for family and not waste money outgoing and shopping taste."
Ah Chig will arrive on Saturday, and he will stay at our house for three months. Holy shit!
Ah Chig is coming for Bert's wedding(s). And regular readers will know that whenever Ah Chig and Bert have been together, my world has turned upside down. Therefore, I will try to enjoy these last two days of mental peace and serenity.
And yes, since Bert's wedding (make that plural) preparations are in full swing, the coming two months will be... Torture? Fun?
I will try to write as much as I can, but right now, I must enjoy every single minute before Ah Chig comes and before I voluntarily admit myself into a mental asylum.
Cheers!
I spent Saturday afternoon (October 1, 2005), directing Thriller - II.
Note:
1) Models change tomorrow.
2) TSF magazine, now sadly September issue, will be uploaded on Wednesday. If you aren't already a member, go ahead and create a membership account (left sidebar - "Create new account") if you want to read The Sacred Fountain.
Cheers!
As I enter the living room, I see Bert holding a thick book. Sitting next to him, I realize that it is I-KEY-AH's catalogue of what looks like cheap plywood furniture. "I am planning for the future," he tells me as he picks up a bunch of grey papers with blue outlines. Upon closer look, I realize that the papers are supposed to be the outline of his apartment's floor plan.
"This is where Apple will cook," he points at what looks like a kitchen, "and this is where I will eat!" he points at what looks like a dining area.
"And this is where you will bonk Apple!" I resist my urge to point out the master bedroom on the floor plan.
"You know," Bert looks at me with dreamy eyes, "I am very happy. I mean..." he looks at his palms before he continues, "I mean, never in my wildest imagination did I figure that I would have a Chinese wife and I would be married in Hong Kong." Unable to say anything, I smile.
"I am waiting," he shrills excitedly; "I am waiting for the big day to come around." I nod. Ignoring his expectant expressions resembling a dreamy moron, I spice the shit before I dish it over to him.
"Look," I tell him, "only lost gwailos who cannot speak a single word in Cantonese go to I-KEY-AH stores in Hong Kong. Be wise," I tell him, "and source some good interior designers. I would be the last person to decorate my house with something that looks like redesigned piece of shit."
My wisdom is lost on him. "You know?" he looks assuredly at me, "Apple thinks that I-KEY-AH is the right choice." Unable to override the female dominance overpowering him, I simply nod. "And," he continues, "Apple and I are very dedicated in creating our dream house." I smile.
Whether or not Bert benefits from my wisdom or advice is immaterial. He can go ahead and decorate his home with whatever he likes. But what entertains me the most, throughout the conversation, is the fact that after nearly two years, Bert will get out of our house and live in his own apartment (with Apple)!
Paradise, as it seems, is almost within my grasp, even if I had to endure for almost two bloody long years!
Cheers!
A very angry Louisa stood up, slapped Bert, and left the restaurant. I didn't try to stop Louisa, as there was no reason why she should still face Bert. Her 'Puppy' (Bert) had finally admitted to her that he was already engaged with Apple.
It all started when I forced Bert. "You should confess and tell Louisa about your engagement," I told him, "otherwise, if she finds out by herself, as she knows people who work in your office, your proposed marriage will be history." Bert agreed, but like a toddler who insists his guardians accompany him to school, Bert earnestly requested my presence during his confession.
Note: Click the links (in all related articles) to get a better grasp of this grand finale of Bert's "past life relatives."
Foolish is a man who looses an opportunity. And not many come by. One of the advantages of living in Hong Kong includes the random usage of Chinese traditions that can be blended with Western ideas at will. And with such ideas and inspirations, I decided to entertain myself with yet another prank on Bert.
"Tonight's the night," I told Bert and Ah Chig after our daily swimming session. The extremely superstitious Ah Chig, who by now can speak simple English, agreed that the 14th day of the 7th month of Chinese lunar calendar was a very significant night for most Chinese. In essence, 714 or the Hungry Ghost Festival is a bit like Halloween. Except that it is supposed to be devoid of fun.
It is supposed to be a serious day and especially night, when most believers stay indoors and avoid the wandering spirits and ghosts who are supposedly allowed to roam freely in "our world." In fact, seventh month of lunar calendar was the main reason why Ah Chig once again extended his visa and decided that he wouldn't return to his hometown during the ghostly month. Staunch believers insist that one should not travel, change residence, or move furniture during this inauspicious month.
"So what are we exactly supposed to do tonight?" Bert asked me with childlike innocence.
After several days of normal behavior, Bert reverted to his abnormal behavior. "You know," he told me with dreamy eyes while we were sitting in the garden; "I think I will be a good husband." I could only nod in agreement. Women, as far as I know, really love Bert-like husbands. Simple, naïve, and childlike, they are more than eager to jump up and execute any whims or commands of their women.
An early morning appointment with Count Chan (Dr. Chan), I notice that Brenda (Count's wife and also his assistant) is absent. Instead, a fierce looking woman stands by Count's side as Count reads the reports. "You are almost as healthy as a horse," he says. I neigh.
As he leads me to the inspection room, I keep looking around for Brenda, but she is not around. During the tests and inspections, I ask Count, "Where is Brenda?" He smiles as he tells me that Brenda is pregnant. I congratulate him and smile, but soon my hairs stand on their ends! "How many months?" I ask. He replies that she is pregnant since seven months.
My mind races as I try to calculate the time that has elapsed between the first time I had sex with Brenda (without condoms) and now. Almost seven months! Hoolala!
It would have been better if we presented Bert the way he is. But the last thing I wanted Apple's parents to notice on the first day they met Bert was WYSIWYG (what you see is what you get). I cancelled the afternoon meetings and came home early. Bert also took half-day off.
I spent two hours educating Bert – Don't clasp your hands between your thighs when you watch TV. Don't keep flashing a stupid smile. Speak only when addressed to, better if you avoid speaking at all. And if you have to speak, don't look at the ceiling for twenty seconds before your each sentence. Don't touch Apple in front of her parents. And avoid doing a Full Monty, if either you or everyone else is drunk. So on and on... The list was endless.
I gave some instructions to Ah Chig as well – Don't suggest that you can teach Kung Fu, and refrain from showing your Kung Fu stance(s). Somehow, the scene and event reminded me of a traditionally arranged Chinese marriage from ancient times.
Note: All links open in new window.
It wouldn't be too difficult to imagine Bert in a Mickey costume, but it would be challenging to imagine sexy Apple in a Minnie costume. But why would they want to dress up like that?
Well, during breakfast, Bert announced that he would host his wedding party in world's first government-sponsored Disneyland (of Hong Kong).
"It was Apple's idea," Bert said while chewing a nectarine, "and even I think it is a great idea."
My wife and I looked at each other, disbelief flowing out of our popping eyes, Mrs. Ng dropped her spoon, my kids started giggling, but only Ah Chig continued eating, as he could not understand what Bert said. "What do you think?" Bert asked me.
I am too busy enjoying parties. Therefore, I haven't been able to post for two days. Normal posting will resume tomorrow.
Note: Models change on Friday (July 15).
Cheers!
Note:
1. The events in this post transpired during last weekend.
2. Extremely lengthy post, but read it if you want to learn techniques required for underwater sex.
3. Read more about Ah Chig, Apple, Bert, and other characters in this post by clicking the archives.
How would you feel if you were surrounded by eight beautiful women in two-piece bikinis on a distant (outlying) island? My wife, Mrs. Ng, Apple, Claire, Dennis, Elaine, Sandy, and Sheila looked simply gorgeous on a sandy beach away from the polluted waters of Hong Kong. Hong Kong has countless small islands with natural beaches that can be reached by a decent private yacht or a boat.
Hong Kong women generally avoid two-piece bikinis. But since we had the island all to ourselves, they didn't mind. Otherwise, on public beaches of Hong Kong, you either see women in a one-piece swimsuit, or with a T-shirt on their two-piece bikinis.
If a woman has a big but shapely ass, she looks sexy. But how about men who have big fat wide ass? They look horrible, to say the least. And they look even more horrible if they are dressed in nothing but swimming trunks. Yes, I am talking about Bert.
While the family (including Mrs. Ng) was enjoying a DVD movie, Ah Chig and Bert sat in the corner of the living room. They were reading a book. In fact, they were reading the same book spread out on Bert's legs, and they were giggling.
Could they be reading erotic stories? A Who's Who of hookers in Hong Kong? Or a nasty diary belonging to someone? I felt a bit uneasy. But soon I dismissed such thoughts. It was highly improbable that either could read each other's language. Nonetheless, out of curiosity, I walked towards the living room bar. And I slowed my pace as I passed by Ah Chig and Bert. A quick glance at the book, and I saw pictures of a man dressed in underpants, and a bikini-clad woman. They were in an upside-down sprawled position.
It must be a book about the exciting positions of Modern Kama Sutra!
Like a tsunami striking without a warning, Ah Chig appeared in our garden at two in the morning. We knew it was Ah Chig even before I ran down the stairs. Because, instead of ringing the doorbell, the genius started shouting and calling our names.
As soon as I opened the front door, I realized why he couldn't ring the doorbell. Our three dogs were surrounding the poor soul.
My insanity jumps up to alarming levels. I convince myself that I am bestowed with special powers, and so, I sit in a Neo (Keanu Reeves) like stance in my bed as Rebecca (the private nurse) enters with my medication. I raise my right hand and shake my head. But before I can deliver a cool Neo like dialog, from the half-ajar door of my room, I see a crowd of sad people rush into the opposite room.
"Another Jack in the box!" I shout...
You may not die of a disease, but you might die from starvation and boredom when the hospital chefs and religious representatives bonk your brains to a whole new dimension. Now you cannot exactly call them chefs, but those who cook in hospitals do have a serious attitude problem. What is it they think when they cook? "Probably these bastards will die by tomorrow, so let us just feed them crap anyway!"
I have noticed that whether it is Hong Kong or North America, the food in hospitals always sucks. And cooks are not the only sadistic bunch. Those who serve are also assholes. They make a big fuss of serving, what actually tastes and looks like shit...
Kind souls Bob, Mike, and Ray were unable to post anything for two days as they were helping me prepare, install, and test this notebook, which will now be my window to the world. I am back, though still in my Summer Palace. And I have been thinking about you all and have missed you.
Well, where do we begin? After my transplant and before I woke up, I had visions that I was standing at a huge cloudy gate and a white bearded man was saying, "No, you are not welcome here!" I tried to look inside the gate and saw barren cloudy lands.
Then I found myself outside a dark gate and a black bearded man was saying, "Sorry, we are full." I peeped inside the dark gate and saw huge breasted naked beauties smoking pot and excited men kissing and licking their bodies.
Finally, I opened my eyes and saw the tubes, gadgets, and monitors around me in the ICU. Like the ones you see in a movie with horizontal waves traversing across the screen, and you think, "please don't die on me!" So folks, well here I am.
I see that Mike has done a good job with Nude King. It means that Ah Bo will probably have to stay in Beijing forever. Bob and Ray have also done well in uploading beauties. Although they seem to be poor on See Lai kind of stories. Next time, if there will be one, instead of celibates I will have to consider inviting gigolos to write See Lai stories.
They should have taken Bert to hookers, massage parlors, karaoke boxes or simply left him alone on the streets of Mong Kok. In that case, the stories would have written themselves. But no, they were busy bonking Ms. Ng's maid, finding girlfriends for themselves and then not describing the beauty of their girlfriends.
Talking about Bert, he visits regularly and even Apple accompanies him. Hopefully, this time it will not end up like Catherine story. As far as Bert is concerned, except for his new girlfriend Apple nothing much has changed. "I have again started meditating in the guest bedroom," he said. "And I have moved the teepee inside the guest bedroom as it is hot out there." He keeps on saying "guest bedroom" but now it is more like his own room. Now why he wants to meditate inside a teepee in a room is something I do not quite understand. But then no one can understand Bert.
Bert might not have changed but some things have changed. With my new liver (and thanks to the kind soul to whom it belonged) it seems that my skin allergies have gone. Although I have not got over the feeling of being a pregnant woman with something inside of me that does not belong to me. Rebecca who still works here says I look great. But my family and everyone else who knows me thinks that once I step outside, I will again look like Freddie Kruger! Which is fine with me as far as I can still bonk.
See Lai readers will be glad to know that after my surgery (and when I started feeling better), I have already tested the gear between my legs and it works as smoothly and as excitedly as it used to in the past. That was one of my main concerns. You never know if you come out without a dick or a missing ball after a major surgery so close to the eternal fountain. I was especially worried that Count might purposely remove my balls and ensure that I spend my remaining life as a eunuch. That has not happened and it means that the nincompoop still does not know that I shared his doll without informing him.
What else? Well, I will write more when time permits but Bob, Mike, and Ray will still manage most of See Lai and Nude King. And hopefully they will upload girlies and change the models tomorrow.
In the meantime, all I can say is thank you very much for your kind support and patience and thanks a lot for all the emails and comments. I will answer all emails but do not expect a reply soon as Count still restricts me to only two hours of internet per day. "You are weak and fragile," he tells me. Well, not as weak and fragile as to be unable to bonk Brenda when I have a chance. But then, I should not tell him that as he could still sever my balls and feed his dogs.
And yes...
Cheers everyone!
Note: All links open in new window.
Ron and his family have returned but Ron still needs to rest in a hospice hospital. He is doing fine but he is very pale and weak. However, he remembers you all and he asked us, "How's SL doing?" We haven't told him about the disasters yet.
Now that everyone is back, we will have to move our blogging activities to Bob's house. And hopefully, Dennis, Elaine, and Sandy will accompany us.
Cheers!
Update: Bob meant hospital and not hospice. We have corrected it and we are sorry that Bob's mistake created confusion. We will severly spank his butt so that he remembers his mistake every time he wipes his ass.
The Team
Note: All links open in new window.
"Those who are not wearing any underwear, please raise your hands."
I didn't have to shout as everyone was quietly sipping his or her drinks. Mrs. Ng didn't raise her hand, but she blushed. And to my surprise, so did Brenda!
My mother-in-law was embarrassed. I am sure that she had her panties on, but she was startled by my sudden announcement in Cantonese. She is still under the impression that I am a decent and sensible person.
Ah Chig and Bert, the only two who couldn't understand Cantonese, raised their hands after I raised mine. Everyone started laughing, including my mother-in-law who realized that I was kidding.
The party on Valentine's Day, or rather evening, started off gloomily as everyone was melancholy. Sipping their drinks quietly and looking at each other, the scene in our living room resembled a funeral reception. Which is why I cracked off the underwear joke. Suddenly the mood changed and everyone was happy. After all, the last dance had to be the best dance, yes?
"When you bury your Lai See envelopes in auspicious corners," I spoke in a mystic-like voice, "your wishes come true."
Looking at Bert's well-known stupid but eager expressions, I continued, "that is how I got married, and have been happy ever since."
During Chinese New Year, married couples give red envelopes called 'Lai See' to unmarried people and kids. Usually, each such Lai See envelope contains a HK$50 or HK$100 banknote, and more if the person is a close relative or a friend.
Throughout the day we had lots of visitors. Mainly my wife's relatives, our family friends, and my business associates. And upon knowing that Bert was single, everyone gave him Lai See envelopes. Including some with considerable amount from my father-in-law, my mother-in-law, my wife, Mrs. Ng (whose husband has left her for good), and myself. By evening, I was a bit jealous of Bert and his bulging pockets holding at least 90 such Lai See envelopes.
Since my marriage, almost 20 years ago, I have never received Lai See. Nonetheless, sitting in the garden and enjoying the cool breeze and a drink with Bert, I had decided that I wanted to take all that belonged to Bert, including the one that I gave him.
"You mean if I want to marry Apple, all I do is bury my Lai See in auspicious corners like you say?" Bert was really falling for my Roman-Catholic-Church kind of sales pitch!
I looked at him indifferently and said, "yes, that is what they say." Whoever they may be!
"And when do I take it back?" Bert asked, the selfish part of him not wanting to let go for good.
Wearing a long overcoat and resembling a Filipino padded up for winter in Hong Kong, yesterday afternoon a gwailo ran through the streets of Central, Hong Kong. Gentlemen will walk, but never run. But this was no gentleman.
Following a hectic trip to Dongguan, China, and back, yours truly was late for the late afternoon appointment with friends. And therefore, holding up my middle finger at the tourists and locals frowning at me, I ran towards the Landmark fountain.
When I reached the fountain, Fumier, Joyce, and HKMacs were already waiting for me. Fumier, Joyce and I have gone out for drinks, dinner, and party several times, but this was the first time HKMacs saw me. And the look in his eyes; as he scanned behind my shoulders to see if cops were chasing me, was proof enough that I looked like a drug dealer from Colombia on the run.
“Where should we go for drinks?” everyone asked. But I was panting and out of breath to answer that; and I could care less if we sat in the middle of the road drinking. Eventually, we ended up in a decent bar.
I looked around for sexy and short-skirted waitresses in fishnet stockings…
Apple and Bert will be unable to have sex in the guest bedroom at our house anymore, at least until after the Chinese New Year. Forget Apple, even Bert might not be able to solely enjoy the guest bedroom anymore because Ah Chig (Sp.?) is coming to town!
A late night call from my mother-in-law from Canada, and she boldly announced that under Mainland China's new individual visitor scheme, Ah Chig had finally decided to visit Hong Kong for two weeks. Besides, he will need our help in visa extension until Chinese New Year, and therefore his total stay period will be almost one month.
Who or what is Ah Chig?
"Don't you have to go to work?" I asked Bert, as I was surprised to see him in the house at 11:00 a.m.
"No Ron, today I have taken a day off as it is a special day."
Here was a man, and perhaps the only person in Hong Kong who is an ardent fan of His Foolish Highness. Why else would he take a day off on this special day when His Foolish Highness intends to address 7 million subjects in his 8th annual show of yet more claptrap - The Bullshit Show.
As soon as I was seated with my coffee, Bert started looking around like women afraid of eavesdroppers, and started whispering, "Ron, I need your advice and suggestions regarding the gift for today's anniversary."
"You mean gift for His Foolish Highness?" I was more shocked than I was surprised.
"No, no, today is exactly one month since Apple and I..." Bert paused and blushed before completing his sentence, "started seeing each other."
Holy Mother Teresa in Bikini! This guy is beyond cure! As if Catherine saga wasn't enough, now the langur wants to celebrate monthly love-anniversaries!
"What should I give her?" Bert eagerly looked at me with confident expectations that I wouldn't fail him.
"Tampons!" I barked excitedly. "Yes! Tampons, as in sanitary napkins for women!"
It was probably a very good idea that right after the countdown at our own house, my wife and I forced our kids to go to bed. The countdown to 2005 was very normal, but what transpired afterwards was far from normal.
While I served mild drinks to my wife, Mrs. Ng, Apple, and our maids (who have been with us for years and we consider them as part of our family), I fixed some tricky cocktails for Bert. After two such cocktails, Bert was half drunk when he suggested:
"Ron, let's do the Full Monty for the ladies!"
A comparatively small Christmas party at our house this year, we invited about 30 guests. Among the invited guests I was eagerly awaiting the arrival of Brenda, the sexy lady assistant and wife of Count Chan (Dr. Chan).
The first guest was a surprise visitor; who arrived earlier than the rest. A beautiful Chinese lady dressed in black fishnet stockings, dark red mini skirt, and a black top almost revealing her breasts. One look at her and I felt tension escalating between my legs.
"This is Apple," said Bert, as he seemed to appear out of nowhere.
"And I am IBM," was what I wanted to say as I kept staring at her legs. After the formal introductions, my wife and Mrs. Ng started chatting with Apple, who had come early to help.
I dragged Bert to the living room bar. "Are you in love again? Is this your new girlfriend?"
"Yes Ron. She works for me and lately we have started seeing each other."
"Have you..." and I left the sentence hanging as I made the bonking sign. Bert blushed and nodded. Damn! So I won't be able to enjoy Bert's new fruit - Apple!
With that, the evening started as more and more guests arrived. Mostly associates and friends with their gorgeously dressed wives and girlfriends. And finally, Brenda arrived with Count Chan.
Count Chan was dressed as if he was attending a wedding ceremony, and looked too odd accompanying his considerably young wife - Brenda. Almost like a father leading his daughter down the aisle.
Brenda, on the other hand was dressed in a low-cut one piece short black dress, and she looked stunning as her tight fitting dress revealed the curves of her seductive breasts and her waist.
Later on would I get a chance to bonk Brenda? My sexual desires for Brenda was the only reason why Brenda and Count were invited for the first time to my house party as our special guests!
While Bert fumbled for his cell phone, a ladies lipstick fell out of his breast pocket and on to the table. Both Luke and I raised our eyebrows as Bert hurriedly finished the call. Bert, Luke, and I were seated in the VIP room of Eternal Lotus restaurant in Dongguan, which, after one year of regular patronage; almost serves as our external conference room.
"Just a friend asking me if I would go out with him tonight." Bert apologized for interrupting our conversation and the dinner.
I pointed at the lipstick and Bert nervously pocketed it back.
"Hope you aren't using it for your chapped lips during this winter. It's a ladies' lipstick." I said.
"No, no," Bert was a bit embarrassed as he smiled. And lowering his voice he winked and said, "I like to paint their cunt lips red."
Panties over his head and painting their cunt lips red! Now here was a man, Bert, who was rapidly progressing in the art of sex. And before 8 months, this man was totally against the idea of hookers or premarital sex.
"Cunt lips?" Luke, my Mainland China partner was clearly struggling with his limited English, a language forced upon him due to our partnership.
So I briefly explained to Luke what cunt lips meant in Mandarin. Luke laughed out loud and said, "you gwailos really have a wicked taste in sex."
But I wasn't in a mood to answer Luke, as I had other concerns on my mind. Mainly that Bert was dipping his own private chopsticks and serving himself broccoli instead of using the communal chopsticks used for serving. I lost my appetite. What if STD (sexually transmitted disease) would infect me via Bert's chopsticks?
"Bert, I don't suppose that after painting their cunt lips red you lick them or suck them as in cunnilingus. Do you?"
Color drained out of Catherine's face as soon as she saw the pictures spread out on the center coffee table. Selecting a distant couch, away from my wife and Mrs. Ng, she pretended to be nonchalant as she kept biting her nails.
Quietly walking towards the living room bar, I fixed drinks for everyone. And even without asking Catherine, I decided upon a strong coffee for her. My symbolic gesture to wake her up.
After handing everyone their drinks, I seated myself on my throne-like couch. For a while, everyone looked at each other and then at me. It was obvious that I would have to start the discussion.
"Do you see that Chinese newspaper 'Oriental Daily News' next to the pictures on that table?" I addressed Catherine. And without waiting for her to answer, I continued, "that newspaper was published on the same day when these pictures were taken. Which is two days after your love-note-tearing ceremony in front of Bert."
"You are interfering in my privacy, and you should be aware about the privacy ordinance..." snapped Catherine, the bitch.
"Don't you throw the fucking book at me you bitch." I was really mad. "Hong Kong has no rule that disallows people being captured in camera out in a public place. If there were such rules, I could sue millions of tourists who have captured me in their cameras, digicams, camcorders and what have you. And these aren't pics of your underwear taken from under an escalator, so don't you dare throw the book at me or I will throw it back at you!"
Seeing me extremely pissed, my wife; who knows me particularly well, and Mrs. Ng were getting a bit nervous.
"And what about the 20,000 Hong Kong dollars you loaned from Bert and gave to Keith? I don't suppose either you or Keith can pay that back right now or today." Yes, I have done excellent sleuth work, and the loan is one issue that would really trap Catherine and Keith.
Fear replaced Catherine's rude expressions as she frantically looked out of the French windows leading to the garden, and every where around, including at the stairs in the living room leading upstairs.
As she fret I calmly said to her, "Don't worry, Bert has gone to the club with the kids. But there is someone else here you should meet."
An early morning appointment with Count Chan (Dr. Chan), I knew that something wasn't quite right. Brenda, his sexy lady assistant was smiling peculiarly at me. Could Count be so stupid that he told Brenda what happened last week?
As Brenda led me to Count's chambers, I realized that Count was not around and that was odd. Count is always punctual about his appointments and he hates when his clients are late.
Seeing me hesitate, Brenda immediately said, "Something came up and he had to go out. He will be back soon."
I reclined on a chair opposite Count's throne as Brenda came and stood near me. In fact so near that I started inhaling her natural feminine odor. It was intoxicating, and yes I was aroused.
Was this a test or a trap? Could Count and Brenda be so pervert as to find immense pleasure in exciting my sexual desires for Brenda? Were there hidden CCTV cameras in the room? Did they plant a cheap FM transmitter in the room? And perhaps, within a radius of 500 meters; Count was already eavesdropping on Brenda and my conversation on a cheap FM receiver.
Being a manufacturer and supplier of surveillance systems, such thoughts naturally crossed my mind. But what if my assumptions were wild? What if Count was really stupid to have told Brenda that I had a desire to bonk her. And what if after laughing it out in front of Count, Brenda's feminine desires caught wild fire!
Closing my eyes, in the window of my mind I could see Brenda sitting alone and naked in a bathroom. Playing with herself, I could almost hear her gently but frustrately whisper "Ron, Ron..." as she squeezed and caressed herself.
That is when I decided to check her out.
Enjoying my coffee in the garden, I saw Bert enter the driveway as he returned from work. Looking at his facial expressions, I assumed only one of three things could have happened :
I was proven right as it turned out to be number 3. Seating on a nearby garden-chair, Bert solemnly looked at me and announced, "Ron, Catherine is great!"
After what happened on Thanksgiving Day, I was surprised to hear Bert recite one-liner love dialogs in Catherine's praise. Nonetheless, I raised my eyebrows and leaned a bit forward, lending him my ear.
"Ron, she was sacrificing her love for me, and I was a jerk all along." Still baffled by his emotionally loaded one-liners, I was forced to say, "please do explain."
"Ron, Catherine never really loved Keith. She was just pretending to love him so that I would abandon her. Which is why she planted the love notes where I could easily find them."
"But why would she do that?"
"Because," Bert pitifully looked down at the lawn before he continued, "because her mother would never let her marry me. And she thought this was the only way out and I would find someone else."
"Did she tell you all this?"
Bert somberly nodded, and reluctantly added, "I forced her to tell me this afternoon why she loved Keith."
I looked up at the sky, half expecting a micrometeorite to shoot down and strike Bert. He didn't deserve to live on this planet. If nothing else, he was wasting the precious polluted oxygen on earth.
How can such a person be a senior manager in a multi-national corporation in Hong Kong? It is easy to assume that his subordinates must be playing basketball in the office while he meditates in his room on Catherine, his love.
Realizing that Bert was expecting me to say something, I flashed a smile and said, "congratulations! So now your love will bloom again. Yes?"
A bit embarrassed, a bit shy, Bert also smiled and said, "yes Ron. Tomorrow, Catherine and I will have lunch with Keith, where Catherine and Keith will tear the love notes in front of me."
"Burn them, don't just tear them. That would be much better." I immediately growled.
Having seen Catherine return earlier, I suggested to Bert that he should freshen up and join her. Watching him excitedly spring inside the house, I sat there pondering over the whole affair. Should I interfere? Should I explain to Bert that he is the most foolish person who is being played in love? Suggestions anyone?
Knowing how cruel such selfish women can be, who fool men in love, the last ounce of my sympathy for Catherine faded into oblivion.
Cheers!
They came from the northwest and there were two of them. Looking around, I realized that I was all alone in my sector, and now it was up to me to defend my sector. Fully aware that I was not well equipped for this ground-to-air combat, my mind raced at the speed of light. What alternatives or options did I have? Could I single-handedly bring them down?
Perhaps Sector-3 would have some ammunition and weapons. And if I were lucky, I might even find some backup, who could help me fight the intruders in our air-space.
Sector-3 wasn't very far, and so hastily but stealthily, in order not to attract any attention, I retreated to Sector-3. My worst fears came tr
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